Alone
by Twinkle100
Summary: Sam feels more alone than ever before, is there anyone out there who can save her. Based on tonights episode. PhilSam
1. Chapter 1

Today had been one of the worst days of her life, as Sam lay there in her double bed all alone all she could do was break her heart. She lay there alone and deflated, sobbing with absolutely no control. She had miscarried her baby, at first she hadn't told anyone about it, but then Phil had asked and she could not lie to him, he had told her to go home but she had insisted on carrying on working, at this point she wasn't ready to deal with the reality of what was happening, she just buried herself in her work like she use to do. After they had gathered enough evidence to charge the suspect, Phil had insisted that she went home, she had told him she would rather go alone, he had looked concerned for her, and he even gave her a hug, whilst she was there in his embrace she had felt like she could stay there forever, and that all her problems would just disappear, she even kept her arms wrapped around him as she thanked him and told him she would go home, this showed her how comfortable she felt she would never usually hang on to physical embraces any longer than was absolutely necessary

She had gone home, got changed and sat on the sofa, by the time She heard Stuart arrive home, she must have been sat there just thinking, not moving, for about 2 hours, all she could feel was guilt, about not being sure if she wanted the baby or not, she thought this was her punishment for not immediately being happy with the situation. Or was it someone's strange way of telling her she wasn't a very good mother the first time round so she shouldn't be given a second chance. Stuart had asked what was wrong, and when she told him she had lost the baby, he didn't immediately rush to comfort her like she had expected, he just sighed and stood by the fire place, she knew at once that he wasn't half as botherd as she was about their loss. She had been quite short with him, and when he admitted he didn't know whether he was in it for the long haul, she had asked him to leave. As he left she sat there for hours breaking her heart, all alone, with noone their to comfort her. It wasn't that she was devastated by her break up with Stuart, it was more the fact of being alone, in the space of 24hours she had lost a partner and a baby and although she was use to being along, she now felt more alone than ever.

She had gone upstairs got ready for bed and just lied there, she wouldn't sleep, her thoughts were racing through her mind and she was scared, the once great touch Samantha Nixon was scared of being on her own, she felt cheated by herself more than anything. She knew how she use to be so strong but now all she felt was pain and weakness. She didn't have many friends; she had found it to hard to include people in her life, infact her only real friend was Phil, he had been there for her, just caring, and that's all she wanted at the moment.

She lay there looking at the phone, to phone would be to admit that she needed him and she didn't know whether she was ready to admit that to herself let alone to him, but she couldn't help think that if he came and was therefore her, even though it was 2am in the morning, she knew that everything was real between them.

She picked up the phone and dialled his number, she sobbed all the time whilst it was ringing.

'Hello' he answered as if he had been asleep

Sam could barely talk, she managed to choke out 'Phil….' Between sobs

Phil immediately woke up, 'Sam, Sam is that you, are you ok? What's happened?' he fired questions at her

'Its over between me and Stuart, he didn't even care that I had lost the baby, he didn't even hug me, Phil, am I such a terrible person that I deserved all this?'

'Sam you are an amazing person, and none of this is your fault, stay there I am coming over straight away, you can't be on your own in this state' Phil demanded. He grabbed his car keys not even bothering to get dressed just racing out in his pj bottoms.

Sam had opened the door, and gone straight back to lying on her bed, when Phil arrived he rushed upstairs and was shocked at the state she was in, he had never seen her so upset so defeated, so full of self blame. She looked up from sobbing into her pillow as he came through the bedroom door.

'Didn't get dressed then?' she managed to get out

'You were far more important' Phil said as he climbed onto the bed

He wrapped his arms around her, and say lay there with her head on his chest and sobbed for hours, as she finally drifted to sleep in the same position Phil stayed there all night, awake, stroking her hair, and trying to comfort her. No thoughts of anything sexual even occurred to Phil, even though he was in his pjs and so was she and they were in her bed, and Phil knew that this meant that he truly loved her with all his heart, and would be there in whatever way she wanted as long as she needed him. She would never be alone again.


	2. Chapter 2

As the clock beeped 8oclock, Phil felt his eyes spring open, he had drifted of to sleep about half an hour ago, but was still in the exact same position he had been when he was awake, except his head had been resting on the top of Sam's. Sam slowly began to stir, and moved so that she was now facing Phil rather than lying on him. She felt a tad embarrassed about the state that she had been in last night, and the fact that she had been asleep on Phil's chest. She couldn't help but think that she had defiantly made the correct decision in phoning him last night, as she had felt so much more relaxed and calm just lying there in his presence.

'You look like you haven't slept?' she commented, noticing the bags that had formed under his eyes.

'Well, erm, I got about 20minutes or so, didn't want you to wake up and find me crashed out to the world' He said sheeply, he had really stayed awake in fear of what Sam might do to herself had she woken up, and been in the same agony.

As if Sam had been reading his mind she said, 'You didn't have to do that you know, I wouldn't of hurt myself Phil, I just felt like I had lost everything, still do, but thank you so much for being here and coming around, I feel a lot better not being alone'

'Sam, its not your fault you know any of this, losing the baby was just one of the tragic things that happens, it wasn't because you didn't deserve it or weren't good enough, and as for Stuart, well you know I am biased, but to just stand there and shout at you, not offering you any consolation or anything, is beyond selfish. If he really knew you Sam, then he should of known you are to hard on your self and would have blamed yourself, and he should of known that for you to break your heart like that, must of meant you were devastated beyond belief'

Sam just looked at him and thought to herself, one of the main problems with her relationship was that they didn't know each other very well, but with Phil it was more the case of he knew her too well, everything he had just said to her had been absolutely spot on. It was as if he had been inside her mind, reading her thoughts out loud, he had said everything that she really had wanted to hear, regardless of whether she believed it herself or not.

'Thank you, Phil' she said softly before putting her head back on his chest, as one single tear escaped down her face, she contemplated whether it was a symbol of everything she had lost. Or whether it was a symbol of everything she had gained.

When she had phones Phil, she knew that his reaction would be the ultimate final sign of the way they felt for each other, he had been so good to her, so caring and so supportive, everything that she use to be scared that he wasn't. It was pretty much the reason why she had got with Stuart, because she had thought he was like this. She was obviously mistaken. She tried to reason with herself how she made such an error of judgement, she was meant to be a profiler, she should know these things, what people are like, what type of person she needed in her life, but it seemed that whilst she was excellent at her job, these skills she had acquired did not work for herself. In fact that seemed to always lead her down the wrong path; it was only her heart that never lied to her. She had been ignoring her feelings for Phil for a very long time, and whilst she knew that right here at this precise moment was not right for her, she decided that she should let her heart decide for once.

After about an hour, Phil had reluctantly left Sam on her own, he had gone back to his showered and got ready for work. Sam had agreed to phone in sick, and take the day off but Phil had promised that he would be straight round for the night after work. Sam had asked him, if he would mind staying again tonight, so when Phil had gone home he had packed an over night bag to take with him.

The day went pretty fast for Sam; she had mainly sat there thinking, about the baby. Where as the day had dragged on for Phil, he had been assigned a pointless case, and all he wanted to do was solve it so he could go back and check on Sam, he was literally worried sick about her, he had a horrible nauseating feeling in the bottom of his stomach all day. He knew that his love for Sam was the real deal, but he had to put his own feelings aside for the time being and concentrate on getting Sam back to her normal self. He felt happier when he was with her, obviously not seeing her pain, but he felt more accepting of his own faults when he was with her, because she accepted him for who he was, she knew everything about him, even his bad points, yet she still called him in her hour of need and this gave Phil a great sense of pride, he felt less alone in his life when he was with her. And he wanted t make sure she was never alone again.


	3. Chapter 3

It was 3 days after Sam had miscarried, and today was the day she was returning to work. She had chosen today, because she knew Stuart had booked it off some months ago, to attend a friends wedding, she was meant to be going as well but obviously she wasn't anymore.

Sam was feeling much better than she had been since the miscarriage, she was glad to be getting back to work, it was something to take her mind of it, and something to focus on for the next few hours. She knew that Phil would be in today as well, although it wasn't as if she hadn't seen him for a few days. Phil had practically camped out at Sam's since the night she had phoned him, he had come round everyday after work and spent hours just chatting to each other about everything. Sam had learnt lots about Phil that she didn't know, for a start he was an excellent cook just last night he had made them both a Mexican feast consisting of fajitas, nachos and little crisps and dips. He had been so good to her over the past few days, and she honestly didn't think she would have got through it without him. She now knew exactly how she felt about him, she loved having him there at her house, she loved doing all these things together, in fact she knew that she just loved him.

Sam walked into CID, nothing had changed over the past few days, except a bit more paperwork stacking up on her desk, she groaned at the site of it and knew that the DCI would insist she did it all today. No one in the station had known about Sam's miscarriage, Phil had told the DCI that Sam had been severely unwell, so that didn't start asking question.

'Morning you' Phil said walking up behind her

'Hey, it's been what 8 hours since I last seen you' She joked.

'So I see you're counting down to you next see me, from when I leave then..!' Phil laughed.

'Wishful thinking there mate' She said as she sat down at her desk. Phil walked over and bent down next to her….

'You sure you're ready for this?' He asked concern spread all over his face

'Phil, this is my job, I am not going to let what's happened put me of that'

'Ino, ino' Phil replied ' I just worry about you, yano!' Phil looked Sam directly in her eyes. He loved her so much, it wasn't about the sex or anything like that, he had realised that he had made to many mistakes in his life, and he didn't want to let the love of his life slipping away, be another one. Phil was ready to settle down now, be the man that Sam needed, all he had to do was tell her how he felt. Easier said than done he thought, as he nodded and went back to his own desk.

The day had gone pretty fast, they had interview and caught an arsonist who had set fire to their shop, it had turned out to be a domestic and it was the wife's ex husband who had committed the crime as revenge for her having an affair.

Phil had agreed to come round to Sam's again that night; he had said he would help her with her paperwork over a bottle of wine and a curry. They had been sat on the sofa finishing off the paper work, when the takeaway had arrived, so they decided to abandon the rest of it. They ate the curry and drank the wine whilst sitting and laughing together.

'…. And then the man said, ho ho, ho ho' Phil laughed at his own joke he had been telling. Sam laughed to but she totally had not understood it at all.

'You didn't get that did you?' Phil asked, pretending to be serious

'No I did, it was funny' Sam replied, gutted he had noticed her moments of confusion. He really did know her too well.

'So explain it to me?' Phil teased

'More wine?' Sam asked trying to change the subject. Phil raised his eyebrow at her. ' Okay Okay I didn't get it, happy now' she laughed punching him in the arm. But Phil was too fast for her and grabbed her first so she went tippling over and landed on him. Sam looked up at Phil and caught his eyes, she decided to bite the bullet and go for it, what harm would it do she thought? She moved closer and kissed Phil's lips softly, he responded for a minute then pulled away.

Sam was gutted she was sure that Phil felt the same way, but why would he pull away, she couldn't face another night of losing everything she had, and she knew she now had far more to loose. She got up to walk away but Phil grabbed her arm…

'Sam, its not what you think, its not just about the sex for me you know, you don't have to all that if your not ready, I love you, its about being together, making each other laugh, helping each other, that's what I want more than anything….. if you erm want the same that is' Phil gazed

' Of course I do' Sam replied dropping onto the sofa beside him' but you know we haven't got a relationship like everyone else have we, we've done everything else, apart from the sex, I guess I just wanted to move everything on and show you how I really felt about you'

'Sam you don't have to sleep with me to do that you know, if your not ready I will wait' Phil relied.

Sam didn't answer, she just moved him and kissed him again, deepening the kiss she pushed him again the sofa, and climbed onto his lap, with her arms around his neck, and his arms around her waist.

'Phil, I am ready because its you, and I know you weren't pushing me or anything and that's why I am ready to admit how I feel and to do this' She smiled, and tugged at Phil's hand as she lead him to her bedroom. She knew she could never feel alone again.


End file.
